Tuesday, October 20, 2009

...you pissed yourself again?

After a mad scramble this morning, $44 to replace the missing birth certificates (and the fee went up $6 from a WEEK ago), and finding the solution of my crisis was to get hold of the Succubus (abandonment will have to wait) and get her to be responsible (the excuse being she was "too busy to call" and do her visitation for the past month), I was feeling the significant lack of pressure (this week). 

Of course, then the kids came home. 

I remember an old Eddie Murphy routine where he was talking about his first attempts at standup comedy.  He talked about taking a shit.  I thought it was funny at the time.  Partially, because talking shit about shit is funny as shit.  Also, because I have far too many stories of my own, like the tale of the triple threat (drop a ball, then a mound of soft serve, then the soupy fire of the assplosion).  And because toilet humor is always funny.  Because it is. 

But when you have two preschoolers that take the day and piss themselves silly, not a fun time.  I think they BOTH had to change undies 3-4 times.  Hell, even the neighbor girl pissed herself before my younger one pissed herself the last time, just after the boy pissed himself while going back to the house to piss.  And that was after we went to the playground, the boy pissed himself, we came back home and got him pissed/squared away, then went back, and repeated it with the girl.

Well, on the plus, I get the laundry done more often, because if there's one thing that's worse than piss, it's week old dried piss clothes.

Finally, to avert a complete mess of the day, we took advantage of family night at Wendy's.  I get a good sandwich (that bacon deluxe they're advertising on TV now) and they each get a kids meal for 99 cents a piece.  The sandwich (bacon makes EVERYTHING better) was damned good and we go out to eat on the cheap (otherwise, I get the cheap ass dollar sandwiches). 

If it weren't for such things as a 2-meat magicifence in my mouth (not like that you pervs), I'd probably snap and start Force throwing shit.  But that's why they make video games for  the purpose.  In this case, Star Wars: the Force Unleashed (PS2 version).  There's nothing to take the edge off more than picking up a Stormtrooper with the Force, choking him, moving him away, throwing him at yourself, then slicing him as he flies by.  Violent, I know, but when the game gives you credit for rocking the Dark Side, you rock the Dark Side like a motherfucker.

And sometimes it's just fun watching a 5-year-old slicing Wookies with Lord Vader....

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