Saturday, November 21, 2009 I burned up a Friday alone after work.

My longest night free and clear of the kids started as it often does, in a trip to Wal-Mart for food and gas (the kind for cars specifically).  So Out the door I go as the free pizza is coming in (shit).  The problem is that as I perused the movie selection my night was shat on by blasphemy.


There with all the better incarnations of the blood sucking creatures in the movie section was fucking garbage from the stupid assed Twilight movies.   And this is after every fucking commercial on TV seems to be about this overmarketed and subintelligent excuse to ruin a great story theme. 

Let me clarify this for those of you who are fans of this unholy dreck.  Bram Stoker and Anne Rice are rolling over in their fucking graves.  I have a desire to watch the first 15 minutes of the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie (and it was the worst 15 minutes in an otherwise good movie, ever).  Brad Pitt is a much cooler vampire now, and even Neo's performance in one of the Dracula remakes is now fucking golden.  And the only thing that would be better is if Sarah Michelle Gellar got to meet Twilight's douche-vamp, Edward, and break out Mr Pointy:

.For the backstory on this excellent vid, click here.

Now, back to the point here.  Vampires are generally bad guys, with notable exceptions, and even then they're fucking monsters or demons, dispatched by stakes, sunlight or the Daywalker.  They run fucking strip bars to trap truckers and whorehouses to suck men dry (of blood, you pervs) like in Dennis Miller's cinematic opus, Bordello of Blood.

They don't fucking sparkle! or angst over some clumsy high schooler for no discernible reason other than to make tweens and emo-worshiping girls wet their fucking panties and shit.  Stephenie Meyer, the insipid twat who spilled ink on paper and produced this vomitus (or had a room full of monkeys on depressants bang it out in between shit throwing and piss drinking sessions) needs to give up trying to be an actual writer and churn out those softcore fuck books in the stupid romance section of the Wal-Mart bookshelves (not a real bookstore).  You know, the ones with the sultry damsel in the flowing dress being embraced or held in some way by the somewhat or totally shirtless studmuffin with chiseled muscles and flowing hair (every cover looks like that.  WHY!?!?!?!). 

And if you don't know what all this shit is about, here's the best (and funniest) synopsis of this projectile vomit-inducing book/movie mistake I have found. And if you're a Twitlight lover, sorry your taste sucks.  I'd suggest reversing that lobotomy.

So I got home with serious attitude (and the first part of this post half-figgered out). And since (FUCK ANOTHER TWITLIGHT COMMERCIAL!!!) I was feeling in the mood, I managed to scrounge up my guitars and tuner (kids do terrible things with tuning knobs) and bang out a little music (when not chatting incessantly with people).  Alas, the night went fast, and then Beth posed a question to me that got me searching.  She asked about my Christmas playlist.

I had put up a playlist last year on SPD, because I have a serious passion for Christmas music.  Of course, the playlist will be appearing her and there this year, but NOT UNTIL AFTER THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!11!  Let me be clear on that.  With occasional exceptions, Christmas music does not get regular play in my world until after Thanksgiving to the end of the year.  Otherwise, it becomes absolutely worthless in the world.

So since I want to have the playlist up (I'll probably do it at work on Thanksgiving evening) I set out to check links, update and change songs around, and find new stuff.  So I searched a couple of things.  Then I widened it out to search for anything with 'Christmas' in it. 

For your information, there were 5,528 songs to check out.  Many of which were duplicates. Much of which was shit (Kenny G, Clay Aiken, any Disney-spawned musical rapists, the fucking Chipmunks).  And yet, I found new, excellent, and really messed up stuff.  I kept the most perverse off the list.  For example, one Jingle Bell Rock parody was titled 'Suck on My Cock.  That's the premise of the whole fucking song, and it's a mess (in every way imaginable).  And I got through 100 pages of it before quitting.

So it's now 2:30 in the morning (no kids is great sometimes), because it was after updating the list that I started writing this.  But a good time was had by all (me), so happy happy joy joy and shit.   Now if you want to preview the Christmas selections this year, here it is, 45 tracks of Christmas-y goodness.  And if you have any requests, you know where the comment section is.  I'll look into finding a good rendition.  And if you have a thing for Mariah Carey Christmas tunes, go watch fucking Twitlight, then go stand in traffic and see if any sparkly fucks try and save you.

As for me, I'm too old to do much more at this point other than spank it and sleep....


  1. I have several friends who are totally hysterical over Twilight. This wouldn't bother me quite so much if they weren't grown women in their 30s. Maybe I'm just showing my age but I just can't get all breathless over characters young enough to be my kids. I'll take a man, not a boy, thanks. Vampire or not.

    The whole Twilight thing is so highschool to me, with the angst and the twinkling and most of all this Robert Pattinson who manages to make not one movie, but two, with the same unchanging flat expression on his face. He's not sexy, he's not hot, he's not even f'n cute. He's (supposed to be) a teenager with an affect so flat he looks like he's been on Thorazine for most of his life.

    I still think the creepiest thing is the fact that I have friends who are all squishy over this. Personally I think it means they need to go home and lock themselves in the room with their husbands for an entire weekend. And I don't mean to play Scrabble. But that's another issue, I think.

  2. Don't watch movies much. But in flicking around, have noticed beaucoups 'adventure' types wherein most of the tape and time is consumed by actors lurking in the dark holding a flashlight above their rifle or pistol. Apparently this is a common suspense genre, but
    my oh my, in real life tis better to lurk in the dark and not be a target. No, I don't lurk, just used to be in the Army. :)


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